A Short Tail

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Ralph, you met a while back. He was my best bud. I say “was” because he found a new life. I dunno what his new name is. Forgot already. Doesn’t matter. Doesn’t spend much time with the rest of us anymore. Hey, I miss him but it’s for the best. The dude is happy. What more can ya want? He sees us sometimes and barks from the window of the car he’s in. Nice looking master he’s got now. Bet she don’t hit em like the guy did.

Oh, name’s Wendell. Ralph told ya about me. I’m your average sorta lookin’ pooch. A shepherd, cocker spaniel, lab, doberman mix, heavy on the mix part. I don’t care. It don’t matter to me. When me and Ralph was wanderin’ around, I was a bum, a homeless wanderer. Well, I don’t guess he said that about me but it’s true. And I guess the worst part was that I had nobody to wander with anymore. That made me sad. I sat right there on those steps all day instead of goin’ out to all our favorite places. The shops were all giving us stuff to eat. But that was something that Ralph fixed up. I just went along for the food. It was a good life. Was.

The rest of the pack comes around sometimes but not that often anymore. When Ralph went away, it sort of took the pack right out of us all. Somebody needs to get us all back together. Well, I do see Candy once in a while. She is so fine. I don’t know what she sees in that uncouth (Ralph used to use that word. Means dirty and don’t do stuff right…I think) thing she hangs around with named Butch. Bulldog. Jerk of a dog. Bullies anyone who tries to talk to Candy. Now Candy is a really great looking gal. Poodle mix. She hates that mix part. Thinks she’s not as good as those snobby, nose-in-the-air idiot looking things with strange colors. I think she ought to see that none of us cares about all that. And then I saw her coming towards me that day. Uh uh. I shoulda walked the other way, man.

“Candy, doll, come on over here. I haven’t seen ya in a while. How’s about me and you gettin’ together tonight and walk around the town?”

That was my first mistake. It went downhill from there.

“Oh Wendell, you know I only have eyes for Butch. But thanks for the offer. Um, wait a second. Butch is going to be inside tonight for his flea bath. Maybe we could do that.”

So, we went out. It was great…while it lasted. Some blabbermouth of a dog got back to Butch about me. The next day was bad, really bad.

Butch found me while I was going to the shops alone. Gave up lookin’ fer somebody to go with me and I was hungry nuff to try it on my own. I knew I shoulda asked somebody to go with me. He stood there lookin’ at me like I swallowed his lunch. Mad. Man was he mad.

“Hey Butch, ol’ buddy. Whatcha up to?” I thought if I acted like there was nothin’ wrong, he might just think what he heard was just a rumor. No such luck.

“Hello Wendell. You ready to get chewed up? I want breakfast. You need to go to doggie heaven, buddy.”

“Now look, Butch, you don’t need to go to all that trouble for me, buddy. I can take a hint. I’ll just get on out of here and find a new place to get stuff to eat. Okay? Nice doggie.” I didn’t really think that would work. Just gave it a shot. You know. Desperate dogs do desperate things. Think I gave myself away when I panted so hard that it hurt my tongue?

Taking one more look at Butch, I figured my best bet was ta run like a striped ape, whatever that means. I took off on a dead run. (Maybe the word “dead” was not a good idea at the time) Running past all the shops was pretty easy since the humans were out and about by this time. I could run through their legs and around em to get out of harm’s way, so to speak. But Butch just ran right behind me. Once, I slipped on a slick spot and slid for quite a ways. Had to laugh when I saw Butch land on the same spot. He slid clear into a can that fell over on him. It was then that I knew I was home free. Well, maybe.

The net came from somewhere I never seen. But just as it tried to get me, I got away from it too. Oh great! Butch AND the dog catcher people. Not a good day at all. Guess I wasn’t lookin’ where I was goin’ when I ran smack into a can myself. OUCH! That hurt. I seen little puppies runnin’ around. Thought I wasn’t never gonna get rid of all that in my eyes. By the time I got up from that, both Butch and the dog people were comin’ at me…from two different directions. There was an open door so I ran into that shop thinkin’ that I’d get away from one of em. I could maybe battle one at a time. Dunno.

First thing I seen was a tower of stuff…I guess that’d be after I ran into it. The crash was pretty loud. Scared the crap right outa me. Yep, there it was. But I didn’t have time to be happy I did my business on the floor. Had to get outa there NOW! Got up and ran over to another tower of stuff. I didn’t run inta it though. Took a right turn inta another tower. Crash! Scared me again. No results. Man, I hadta get outa there.

About that time, I heard this funny noise comin’ outa a human. She looked really funny with her face screwed up like that. So, I ran to the back door. They all got back doors cuz I been in some of em. Butch was standin’ right there. Nope. Ain’t gonna go that way. Back I went inta that towerin’ bunch a stuff. Bang, crash. Yep, got nuther one. By this time, I was scared so silly that when I ran to the front of the store, it wasn’t no surprise that the dog people were right there in that door. Man, I was in deep sh….trouble. I needed to hide and fast.

There was this really great lookin’ dark place right under that table so I ran there. Got under it just fine. Sat on the cloth thing on the floor. CRASH!! Nah, man. Not again. I heard that funny noise again. Sorta a cross between a snort and a doggie laugh but not. Know what I mean? Guess not. Well, anyway I got pulled outa that spot by this funny lookin’ woman who, like I said, had this really funny look on her face. When I dared to look up at her, she was laughin’ really hard…..at ME!!! I do NOT suffer that indignity lightly! Who the heck am I kiddin’. She got me.

But what was really great was that she didn’t hit me or nuthin’. She just started pettin’ me and talkin’ like I was somebody important. Man, that felt so good. I didn’t know what ta do but I was lovin’ the pettin’ for sure. Guess she decided I was okay because she took me to this place and shut the door. I dunno what happened after that but I never seen the dog people again. Butch, him I see once in a while when he stands at the back door. But she don’t let him in so I’m doin’ pretty well. Turns out she’s owner of the china shop. She thinks I’m cute. I got a new name now but I ain’t real sure what it is yet but it sounds great comin’ from her. Now I see why Ralph likes his lady so much. I get fed alla the time, got toys to play with. It’s a good life.

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My name is Ralph. Yeah, I know. Not the brightest, most compelling name you ever heard. But I have my days….and nights. I thought I’d tell ya about me and the gang and what happened a few days ago. Not my brightest hour, I can tell you. My friends. They think I’m pretty cool. Does anyone say that anymore? Dunno about that. Now there’s a bunch of rejects if ever I saw one. Actually, not a bad group as scruffy bums go. Most of them have their good points….and bad. Wendell is my best bud. He goes where I do, eats what I eat, enjoys looking at the same females that I do. Wendell is a good guy. But he does have a problem or two. That would be why he spends all his time with me. See, the two of us are the homeless ones. The rest of the gang have places to go at night.

There’s Candy. Who the heck names a girl that, for heaven’s sake? I would have called her Dreamboat but she doesn’t like me talking to her too much. I have no idea why. Maybe it’s that I don’t take her crap the way the rest of the guys do. They are all panting after her. Animals. All of them. Thing is, she’s beautiful. Sometimes she comes around with a ribbon in her hair. She’s so great but I don’t stand a chance. Seems she has a thing for the guy down the street, what’s his name? Butch. Big hulking guy that could chew you up and spit you out. None of us want anything to do with him but Candy keeps bringing him around. Shoo fly, ya bother me.

Of course, I wouldn’t leave out Sandal. It’s sort of a nickname. Not sure how he got it unless it’s the usual way. Sandal likes to explore more than Wendell and I do. If they open up a new continent, it would be likely that Sandal got there first. I really do wish he would stop rooting around in the garbage in the alley though but that’s part of my story. Still, some things are sacred, ya know. Ben goes with him all the time. That guy is new to the gang. I guess he got somebody mad at him so he decided to hide out for a while. He hangs with us for now and pals around with Sandal when he goes exploring.

Now Bugsy can be a tad annoying at times. He is currently scratching that itch. He does that all the time. You would think that he could find a way to get rid of his problem but that doesn’t happen. Of course the people he lives with should take the responsibility, don’t you think?
Maybe I should mention here that he’s a terrier. You know, the jump-in-the-air, catch-the-ball, run-around-like-a-chicken-with-his-head-cut-off, hyper pooch type of guy. Not a bad sort as long as you like to watch someone lick everything twenty times. Personally, I get the hygiene thing over with as fast as possible. I have other things to do.

Oh, didn’t I mention that we’re dogs? Thought I had said that. Yep, grab-the-garbage, yap-in-your-face, bark-till-you-get-up-and-feed-us type dogs. Candy is a beautiful, but snooty, poodle mix. She hates the mix part. Makes her feel like she isn’t quite up to the rest of the poodle crowd. I say leave em alone and let live. Butch, her amore, is a bulldog. I hate bulldogs. They drool.

Sandal is a labrador who once chewed up several of the master’s favorite pairs of shoes. All he left were a pair of sandals. Guess that’s where the name came from. Ben is called that because he looks like Benji, you know, the movie star? Uh huh. His owners weren’t that imaginative.

Wendell is a run-of-the-mill, nobody-knows-what-the-heck-he-is dog. Looks like sort of a shepherd, cocker spaniel, lab, doberman, kitchen sink sorta guy. But he’s my friend and that counts for a lot. Now me, I’m an Australian Shepherd. I look pretty good on most days. The hygiene thing. They like me to take charge because of my herding skills. Hey, I’m pretty good at that. Anyway, I ran away from a master that wanted to hurt. No more! Nuff said.

Anyway, the gang wanted to go behind that food place that smells so good but I wasn’t sure that was such a good idea. Shoulda listened to my instincts. That’s what I got em for. Anyway, Wendell saw a couple of catchers over there a bunch of days before. Got this one dog that was minding his own business getting burgers out of the dumpster. They put a net around him and took him away. Every time somebody puts a net over someone, they never come back. Never! We don’t know what happens to them. But the net people always smell bad. That means they aren’t good for us at all. But that burger place smells good. Well, I thought, maybe we should try to get into the dumpster. The whole gang wants to go there. Nobody will notice it. Boy was I wrong.

Wendell and I decided to scout the place just to make sure there weren’t any net people. All clear! We all went for the great smelling stuff right on top. It was kinda hard to get up there but what the heck, the food’s good. About that time, the net people threw that blasted thing over us all. The good thing was that everyone was able to get out from under the thing…..everyone but me. I was caught and got all tangled up. No gettin’ out of this without help. Yeah, and I know what kinda help I’m gettin. I started to panic. Barked my fool head off. Didn’t work. Bared my teeth. They got scared. Not bad. They put a rope around my neck and pulled tight. I got the message.

After they put me in their truck, I thought if I pouted enough, that would work. It worked on other people before when I wanted something to eat. Worked every time….except this time. The ride took us to a big building that smelled a lot like more dogs………and CATS! I hate cats. Cats are so rude and arrogant. All I want to do is bite one and………oh, who the heck cares. I got into a mess.

They hauled me into a big cage. If I hate anything more than a cat, it’s a cage. Can’t go get my favorite snacks from all the people that feed me and Wendell. I guess Wendell will do our rounds by himself now unless I could get out of this place. It was terrible at night. All the dogs in with me howl and bark sort of like they think if they make enough noise that somebody would come and let us loose. Yeah right. Nobody came.

Every night they would do that. Every night, I missed going to sleep. Too much noise. Maybe some day I would be desperate enough to sound like that. So, I ask them, ya know? What’s all the racket for? A couple of guys said that if you stay long enough, they take you away and never come back. Then, there’s this place out back where it smells like a lot of dogs but you can’t see them. Really bad smell like they are there but not there. I began to bark and howl too. My throat hurt.

And that’s where I am right now. Stuck in a cage. Been here for days. I lost track. One of the guys says that I don’t have much time since I don’t have a real owner to come get me. Well, I did but I ain’t expecting to see him. Sometimes happy looking people go looking in the cages. Once in a while, there’s a kid or two with them. They get so excited when they see a dog. But it doesn’t seem to be just any dog. Got to be the perfect one. I guess they dance and pant better than everybody else. Who knows. I don’t get that at all. What’s the big deal?

I was sleeping nicely when I got woke up because I smelled her. She came in looking kinda lost, like some of us in the cages. She didn’t look happy like the rest of them that come in. She looked in lots of cages but I guess none of us were the right one. I forgot to pant like a fool this time. What’s the use anyway?

Hey, she’s stopping in front of my cage. As I looked up at her, she gave me the biggest smile I ever saw. ME? She wants me? Of course, I got very dignified all of a sudden. Stood up carefully, took a long look at her. Man, she smells great!!! Hamburger? Flowers? Not sure. No cats. I always check for cats! I’m really checking her out, very carefully walking close to the cage door. The guy with her, one of the net people, opens the door. My escape! I can get out!

No. Wait. She calls me to come to her. I can’t. I want to go back to my neighborhood where my friends are. I feel stuck to the floor. Her smile sort of goes away. I don’t know. Maybe I should see what she wants. I cautiously walk to her, smell her hand. Not bad at all. She decided to pet me. Hey, I like that!!!! Time to take a lick to see if she tastes good!! OH YES!!!! I couldn’t contain my happiness. I’m not one to demonstrate my feelings….usually but this is a special occasion if ever there was one!!! She smiled brightly and told the guy something. He is putting a leash on me. I don’t like the leash. The other guy slapped me with them all the time. When I backed up, she said something that sounded so nice. She took the leash and put it on that collar I had on. I don’t mind walking with her.

Today, I got my freedom back! And now I understand that she is my new master. We are going to be best pals, I can tell. She put me in her car and off we go. I love hanging my face out the window! Smells good. Wait a minute. I smell my neighborhood!! There’s Wendell!! I bark and bark at him. He barks back. He knows I’m okay. The day turned out pretty good after all.

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