A Short Tail

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It has been difficult of late to write, let alone write short stories. Yet, I am compelled to do so simply because it is my job. My editor has been after me to get my short stories into the magazine before he has a full scale attack. Frankly, I would like to see that attack he continually threatens. Of course, should he ever actually have said attack, I could be looking for another job much like my favorite journalist in the movie “Runaway Bride”, the character Richard Gere plays. Ah but I know that I will get the stories in on time as usual, if only I had an inspiration. Ike Grahame called himself “Last Minute Man”. I would call myself…”Too Late For Any Deadline Man”. I do have a few confidence issues. But those can wait. I have a deadline to meet.

Just as I was sitting down to the computer, the phone rang. It always does when I have something to do. The caller was my friend, Randle, who just happens to be my drinking buddy. Well, not really. I don’t drink. He does. But since he’s such a colorful character, I figured that I could get at least an inspired story or two out of him just by being with him. The truth is, he’s a laugh a minute when he gets on a roll. Rolls come in a wide variety of moods though. I have to watch it. If he gets into a cranky attitude, the whole place is a war zone. Not that I can’t get something great out of that but it’s sort of dangerous to the bystander. Nevertheless, we will head out to “the place” tonight. In the meanwhile, maybe if I keep at it, I’ll have an idea. Then I could bail on Randle without feeling like a jerk. If not, I get a few minutes without the computer staring me in the face with it’s empty screen. It’s a trade off.

Hey, I know when to write a narrative. Insert the starting paragraph to the new story here.

As the sun crept over the horizon, Johnathan toiled over the manuscript he had been working on all day. True to his word, he was gearing up to accompany Randle on their journey to “the place” otherwise known to the locals as the “Watering Whole”. Someone had tried to give the place such a clever name that no one would be caught dead calling it that, hence “the place”.

What did I tell you. I have the gift! Yeah, and the chocolate covered ants are really great this year too. Blah. I am ready to go to “the place” but Randle isn’t here yet. That isn’t like him. I tried calling his house but not even his wife would answer the phone. Too strange. Maybe this would make a good mystery. What do you think?

It was a dark and stormy night.

Nah, that’s too cliche. We have to rev it up a bit.

Winds were howling like the creepy sounds of the wolves in a scary movie. Suddenly the lights went out putting the whole house into a very haunted looking darkness. Things were moving in the shadows.

Oh, this is ridiculous. Are you buying any of that tripe? Me either. When the mind is going blank, there is nothing you can do about it except try to stimulate it to bring out the stories. So far, zilch. I still have lights in the house. The wind is not blowing. No wolves howling. In fact, it is so calm that’s almost scary. I wonder where Randle is. Surely, he should have been here by now. Hmm, that’s strange for him.

More narrative:

Johnathan decided to go on over to Randle’s house. He packed up the laptop in case a good idea hit while out and took off in his rusty banger. A few coughs, quite a bit of gray smoke and a couple of blocks later, Randle’s abode came into sight. Weird lights shined from the windows suggesting a party in action but there was no noise, no sounds of laughter from within. Parking beside the unfamiliar pickup in the drive, Johnathan knocked at the door. Just like in the horror films and with what appeared to be a cliche, the door slid open silently. Hoping to find Randle at home, Johnathan peered into the hallway. Nothing. Lights blinked on and off in the livingroom off to the left. Fearing the worst, he crept up to the livingroom doorway and peered around the corner.

“Surprise!!!!” yelled the crowd festively dressed in costumes, some extremely strange. Johnathan tried not to scream but it came rushing from his mouth. Embarrassed beyond belief, he backed up into the hallway expecting to escape as fast as humanly possible. But it was not to be. His friend stood behind him, drunk of course.

“Hey ya buddy. This here party’s fer you. Whatcha tryin’ ta leave fer?” Randle would not allow Johnathan to move in any direction except back into the livingroom.

Oh, who am I trying to kid here. Randle wouldn’t throw me a surprise party. He isn’t the type. His idea of a party is going to “the place” and getting plastered. He could care less if anyone else had fun as long as he does. I wonder where the heck he is. The phone again. Sigh. This time, Randle has a good excuse for not showing up. He’s at the hospital getting his stomach pumped. Guess he ate one too many hot peppers and one of them was full of poison. POISON? Whoa. I had better find out about that.

The narrative should go right here.

Johnathan headed to the hospital as quickly as his rusty bucket of bolts would allow, which was considerably less than a decent car might travel. Some day, he could afford to get a new car when the writing career took off. Of course, that was probably a pipe dream. He ran into the hospital looking for his best friend. (note here: Suddenly Randle has become a best friend. When did that happen?) Randle was in the ER apparently none the worse for wear. That drunk thing comes in handy at times it seems.

“It’s the wife, Johnny. She’s tryin ta off me. Dude, I gotta git outa there. Can I bunk wit you fer a while? That woman is gonna kill me, Dude! Ya know what I mean, right?”

Johnathan sighed dramatically. He knew that Randle could be a little over the top sometimes but he wasn’t sure about this time. His wife, Carla, had always been a little strange but friendly when he’d gone over there. However, he had not seen her in a few weeks either. There was no way of knowing if she was doing this to him or he was simply eating old food stashed in one of the corners of his house. It was beginning to look like a mystery. And that would make a good story for his editor.

I could go on with more of this load but the truth is that I have no clue where Randle is. Probably on another bender. He does that from time to time but it sounded good, right? And that’s what the story will be about. I sure do hope my editor buys this crap because if he doesn’t, I’m liable to be out on my…….it would be a painful descent. And of course, just as I finally have a story idea, the doorbell rings. It’s Randle who is none the worse for wear and wanting to go to “the place”. It is inevitable. I might as well go with him. If I don’t, he’ll jaywalk. He always does.

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Ralph, you met a while back. He was my best bud. I say “was” because he found a new life. I dunno what his new name is. Forgot already. Doesn’t matter. Doesn’t spend much time with the rest of us anymore. Hey, I miss him but it’s for the best. The dude is happy. What more can ya want? He sees us sometimes and barks from the window of the car he’s in. Nice looking master he’s got now. Bet she don’t hit em like the guy did.

Oh, name’s Wendell. Ralph told ya about me. I’m your average sorta lookin’ pooch. A shepherd, cocker spaniel, lab, doberman mix, heavy on the mix part. I don’t care. It don’t matter to me. When me and Ralph was wanderin’ around, I was a bum, a homeless wanderer. Well, I don’t guess he said that about me but it’s true. And I guess the worst part was that I had nobody to wander with anymore. That made me sad. I sat right there on those steps all day instead of goin’ out to all our favorite places. The shops were all giving us stuff to eat. But that was something that Ralph fixed up. I just went along for the food. It was a good life. Was.

The rest of the pack comes around sometimes but not that often anymore. When Ralph went away, it sort of took the pack right out of us all. Somebody needs to get us all back together. Well, I do see Candy once in a while. She is so fine. I don’t know what she sees in that uncouth (Ralph used to use that word. Means dirty and don’t do stuff right…I think) thing she hangs around with named Butch. Bulldog. Jerk of a dog. Bullies anyone who tries to talk to Candy. Now Candy is a really great looking gal. Poodle mix. She hates that mix part. Thinks she’s not as good as those snobby, nose-in-the-air idiot looking things with strange colors. I think she ought to see that none of us cares about all that. And then I saw her coming towards me that day. Uh uh. I shoulda walked the other way, man.

“Candy, doll, come on over here. I haven’t seen ya in a while. How’s about me and you gettin’ together tonight and walk around the town?”

That was my first mistake. It went downhill from there.

“Oh Wendell, you know I only have eyes for Butch. But thanks for the offer. Um, wait a second. Butch is going to be inside tonight for his flea bath. Maybe we could do that.”

So, we went out. It was great…while it lasted. Some blabbermouth of a dog got back to Butch about me. The next day was bad, really bad.

Butch found me while I was going to the shops alone. Gave up lookin’ fer somebody to go with me and I was hungry nuff to try it on my own. I knew I shoulda asked somebody to go with me. He stood there lookin’ at me like I swallowed his lunch. Mad. Man was he mad.

“Hey Butch, ol’ buddy. Whatcha up to?” I thought if I acted like there was nothin’ wrong, he might just think what he heard was just a rumor. No such luck.

“Hello Wendell. You ready to get chewed up? I want breakfast. You need to go to doggie heaven, buddy.”

“Now look, Butch, you don’t need to go to all that trouble for me, buddy. I can take a hint. I’ll just get on out of here and find a new place to get stuff to eat. Okay? Nice doggie.” I didn’t really think that would work. Just gave it a shot. You know. Desperate dogs do desperate things. Think I gave myself away when I panted so hard that it hurt my tongue?

Taking one more look at Butch, I figured my best bet was ta run like a striped ape, whatever that means. I took off on a dead run. (Maybe the word “dead” was not a good idea at the time) Running past all the shops was pretty easy since the humans were out and about by this time. I could run through their legs and around em to get out of harm’s way, so to speak. But Butch just ran right behind me. Once, I slipped on a slick spot and slid for quite a ways. Had to laugh when I saw Butch land on the same spot. He slid clear into a can that fell over on him. It was then that I knew I was home free. Well, maybe.

The net came from somewhere I never seen. But just as it tried to get me, I got away from it too. Oh great! Butch AND the dog catcher people. Not a good day at all. Guess I wasn’t lookin’ where I was goin’ when I ran smack into a can myself. OUCH! That hurt. I seen little puppies runnin’ around. Thought I wasn’t never gonna get rid of all that in my eyes. By the time I got up from that, both Butch and the dog people were comin’ at me…from two different directions. There was an open door so I ran into that shop thinkin’ that I’d get away from one of em. I could maybe battle one at a time. Dunno.

First thing I seen was a tower of stuff…I guess that’d be after I ran into it. The crash was pretty loud. Scared the crap right outa me. Yep, there it was. But I didn’t have time to be happy I did my business on the floor. Had to get outa there NOW! Got up and ran over to another tower of stuff. I didn’t run inta it though. Took a right turn inta another tower. Crash! Scared me again. No results. Man, I hadta get outa there.

About that time, I heard this funny noise comin’ outa a human. She looked really funny with her face screwed up like that. So, I ran to the back door. They all got back doors cuz I been in some of em. Butch was standin’ right there. Nope. Ain’t gonna go that way. Back I went inta that towerin’ bunch a stuff. Bang, crash. Yep, got nuther one. By this time, I was scared so silly that when I ran to the front of the store, it wasn’t no surprise that the dog people were right there in that door. Man, I was in deep sh….trouble. I needed to hide and fast.

There was this really great lookin’ dark place right under that table so I ran there. Got under it just fine. Sat on the cloth thing on the floor. CRASH!! Nah, man. Not again. I heard that funny noise again. Sorta a cross between a snort and a doggie laugh but not. Know what I mean? Guess not. Well, anyway I got pulled outa that spot by this funny lookin’ woman who, like I said, had this really funny look on her face. When I dared to look up at her, she was laughin’ really hard…..at ME!!! I do NOT suffer that indignity lightly! Who the heck am I kiddin’. She got me.

But what was really great was that she didn’t hit me or nuthin’. She just started pettin’ me and talkin’ like I was somebody important. Man, that felt so good. I didn’t know what ta do but I was lovin’ the pettin’ for sure. Guess she decided I was okay because she took me to this place and shut the door. I dunno what happened after that but I never seen the dog people again. Butch, him I see once in a while when he stands at the back door. But she don’t let him in so I’m doin’ pretty well. Turns out she’s owner of the china shop. She thinks I’m cute. I got a new name now but I ain’t real sure what it is yet but it sounds great comin’ from her. Now I see why Ralph likes his lady so much. I get fed alla the time, got toys to play with. It’s a good life.

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The room was silent, blessedly silent, as Benny sat in his easy chair and read his newspaper. Light was flowing through from the kitchen. He could smell supper cooking in the slow cooker. Looking at his watch, he knew that he only had a few more minutes before……. Reading the top stories proved to be a longer activity than he had originally thought since he really could not keep his mind on the subject. There wasn’t much time left. He began to feel a panic attack coming on. NO! I will not succumb to such things, he thought. I will not!

Going back to his newspaper, he started to read a story about corruption in the local government. Off in the distance, a car door slammed, then another and one more. Suddenly, Benny started to shake, he began to breathe in short, choppy breaths. He turned his head back and forth quickly hoping that it was someone else’s car, someone else’s driveway. But he knew in his heart that it was his car. His time was up! Sweating now, he jumped up and ran to his and his wife’s bedroom just at the end of the hall.

The front door burst open and sounds of laughter came through. First a boy about 10 came running in, then a girl about 8 years old sang as she walked through the door. Right behind them, a woman, carrying a grocery sack, walked in with a very active black puppy on a leash. She called out, “Benny? We’re home. She was much better at obedience training today. She really only bit and licked the instructor probably a dozen times. Of course, she did have an accident but that’s to be expected at her age, don’t you think? He thinks she’ll get the hang of doggie manners in just a few weeks. Honey? Are you here?”

From the bedroom came a muffled “Yes, I’m here. I’ll be right out, Sandy. Sounds great. I hope she does learn all that. I really do.” A more muffled “I have to believe it!” was barely heard.

Sandy moved into the livingroom and put down the sack. The puppy decided the sack was a really great prize to try for so she headed straight for it. Sandy jerked the leash lightly and the hyperactive pup calmed down to standing and panting. A sound of a door opening at the end of the hall got Sandy’s AND the pup’s attention. Suddenly, the puppy started barking in her very high pitched puppy bark. Sandy began to laugh hysterically. Someone was walking down the hall.

Into the livingroom came Benny covered from head to toe in various types of sports equipment. He had on spiked shoes from his baseball uniform, padded pants as well as gloves from his goalie uniform, chest padding for a catcher, football padding for his shoulders and a motorcycle helmet. He stopped in front of Sandy and the poor pooch who by this time had started to cower and tremble behind her. A tiny whine came from the pup.

Laughing so hard that she had tears coming out of her eyes, she tried to speak but it took a while before she could do so. “BBBBBB..Benny? Don’t worry, I’ll take her outside. She won’t get you tonight.”

Pulling on the leash, she staggered out the door to put the puppy into the fenced yard. In the distance, hysterical laughter could still be heard.

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Sounds of the extremely loud television permeate the room. Mike and his best friend, Rudy, are sitting on the couch. Rudy is cramming food into his mouth as fast as he can while watching the football game. Mike seems to have to wait on the crumbs and pieces to fall away from Rudy’s hands…and mouth. It’s almost half time but Rudy’s team is about to score.

“Yeah, that’s what I’m talking about! Whadda ya think, Mike?” Mike gives a growl and a woof in response as he gobbles down the latest bites to fall next to him on the couch. “Wait till half time, Mike. We can get the baseball game on the sports channel.” Mike growls again. “Just wait yer turn! This is my game. Ya can see yers in a minute. Man, yer gettin’ pretty bossy.”

Rudy crams more food into his mouth as the next play is executed. “YA!!!! That’ll show ‘em, won’t it, Mike?” By this time, there’s a rain of food scraps that Mike is totally engrossed in so does not answer. Rudy doesn’t notice so intent on his game.

In the background, there are several noises, just out of reach of those listening to the television. Scrapes and bangs could have been heard coming from the kitchen if only someone was listening. Unnoticed by the two on the couch, more sounds, some quite mysterious, come from the kitchen door.

“Hey, Mike. Get yer paws out of that bag of chips. Those are mine. You got yer doggie biscuits ta eat. Leave my stuff alone.” Once more, Mike gives a growl which is conveniently ignored by Rudy who suddenly switches the channel to another football game still in progress. Mike gets up and sits staring at Rudy for a few moments before pawing him on the arm. Rudy shrugs it off but Mike continues to paw until he gets aggravated with Rudy and slams his paw straight into the huge sub sandwich Rudy is holding making him drop it on the floor. Mike scrambles to grab it before Rudy can get there himself. Contentedly, Mike chomps down on the part that was left over.

“Aww, now cut that out, Mike. Yer gonna get yer turn in a minute. I wanna see the score on this here game first, got it?” Rudy looks back at the game and totally forgot that Mike had eaten his sandwich. He stares into the tv almost mesmerized by it.

After watching for a moment more, Rudy grabs the bag of chips from the table that Mike had been pawing and starts to scarf it down, cramming whole hands of chips in and crunching. That sound could be heard by both television watchers. Yet, the noises from the kitchen which are now getting louder and louder are not noticed by the pair on the sofa.

At the door to the kitchen, a black and white cat appears. With his mouth holding a string, he pulls and pulls till he gets the string and the tray attached to the string out of the kitchen without the two on the sofa noticing anything at all. They are oblivious to all things except the food and the television. The cat comes closer and finally stops right at Rudy’s feet.

“Bout time. Took ya long enuff.” Absentmindedly, Rudy picks up the tray and grabs the new sandwiches, chomping into it without so much as looking at what he has in his hands. He hands the doggie treats to Mike who also munches on them without looking at either the cat, Rudy or the treats. The cat sits patiently waiting.

It doesn’t take long for the pair on the couch to start to snore. When the cat hears that, he jumps up onto the sofa and curls up close to the remote. He paws it and the sound goes down. He paws again and the channels change until he comes to Animal Planet. A show is just starting featuring the lives of a number of cats. It’s obviously a series that he has been watching before. The cat begins to purr contentedly and smiles in catlike fashion.

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Boring! Boring! My job is so boring. All day I stand here watching and waiting for people to talk to me. All day long, I see them pass by but they have so many other things to do. I wonder what it takes for someone to take the time to see me, to know that I am here waiting for them to talk specifically to me! Sigh. What a waste. I could be doing so many other things.

The crazy thing is that sometimes they do see me. When they do, usually I can make them happy if only for a few moments of time. They walk up, say a couple of impersonal sentences and…bang! I usually have to act like I’m spitting on them but they get the picture, I guess. Of course, then they walk away without so much as a thank you for making them happy. But, that’s part of my job. I guess it does have it’s charms and those wonderful moments when they stand there, looking expectantly. Then I spit. Sometimes it’s really fun because I don’t always spit. My mouth gets so dry that I can’t do it no matter what. What makes me happy is the time that the person is so obnoxious because then I really don’t feel so bad after all.

For once, I just wish I could do something else though. I look at the same scenery every day. The only thing that changes are the people. So, that’s not so bad I guess. People are interesting to watch. Hey, there was almost a car wreck that time. See, I am posted right at the intersection. That’s where I have to stand. I suspect I would make a really good Coldstream Guard, don’t you think? Ah, you already thought that’s what I am? No, that would be really interesting though.

My job is much simpler and more complex than that. I have responsibilities. I cannot be short. That will not do. Once I stood so long that I turned out short. It was horrible. People milling about, no one allowed near me. I was being treated like a criminal. But it got resolved.

Oh, my name? It’s Automatic Teller Machine. I have to go now. My public awaits. Perhaps you could come back again sometime? I have lots of stories for you.

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